It's been a little over a month since my competition and it's been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I felt the need to share these emotions not only as help to me getting it out but in off chance someone out there is or has felt these same feelings it may help them.
Since the show I have seen my nutritionist and gone up to 24% body fat and weigh about 112 lbs. I haven't been totally bad with meals like some of the stories I have heard but my old habits have come back and that's been really scary for me. The mind is really funny how it tricks you into convincing yourself you deserve to have a certain meal or treat of your choice. I have lacked the motivation to get into the gym until now only because I am just now starting to feel the snug feeling of my size 2 pants and beautiful 00 dress my boyfriend bought for me for my birthday that I've never worn. I LIKE being smaller and really haven't had time to get used to my new body and it's already changed once since the show and I don't want it to change again.
I dropped weight so quickly in those 20 weeks that I didn't really "see" myself until now. Weird to say that but it's true. I saw the numbers decreasing every two weeks but still was very critical of my loss and was driven to keep dropping to my goal of 12%. When I look back I can objectively see myself now and I was very small and alot more tone that I gave myself credit for at that time. 12% is not a manageable body fat for me but I think 20% is and that is my new goal.
When I saw Kim before Thanksgiving I was 24%, I have missed meals and drank here and there and haven't had as much water as I should but like I am constantly reminded today is a new day and it all starts with the next meal. I have tried motivating myself in different ways and figure out what my "next thing" is going to be.
Competing was really hard on me mentally if I am being completely honest with you. Coming from a much different background than most competitors I have met I wasn't naturally muscular under all of my fat. Once my body fat was gone and show day came and went I had to have an honest meeting with myself on what is practical for me right now. I love the look of the competitor's but that requires a lot more muscle than I have right now and a lot more time in the gym and more food!!
I think my goal at this point is to get used to this new body and learn to love it and how to maintain it. Over the past month I have struggled with my old habits and mentality. Eating out...Mexican food to be specific or telling myself I can have something because I am still a size 2 and still weigh 112 lbs. Those are NOT good reasons to justify eating out more than once or twice a week or missing meals. That mind set is what got me to 147 lbs and a size 10, it creeps up on you when you're not looking. I have also battled feeling like I have deprived friendships and my social life so I have had a really hard time figuring that out. I haven't found a balance of eating out once and telling myself that's it for the week like my friends have been able to do. Eating out is a HUGE weakness for me and always has been. I used eating out as a comfort for myself and a way to reward myself. That's why I stayed away from eating out and drinking the 20 weeks of prep because I knew it was my weak spot. Now with a new body I am having to address all of this and re-wire my association with eating out and drinking.
I wish I could tell you my next show date or next BIG thing I am doing but I don't have that for you. I started this blog as a real girl, with real goals and real struggles so I will continue on that path. I will continue to update on how I am doing and how am finding ways to motivate and keep myself going in this maintenance stage. If I could guess I would say body fat wise I have gone up from 24% since my last appointment. Thing is this time around I know what to do and how to do it....that's a priceless feeling. I feel like this new goal for me is realistic and will be achievable. Who knows, in 2013 I will have just graduated and be turning 30 years old....may be a good time to dust the suit off and give myself an awesome birthday gift! By that point I will have adjusted and built up what I started and have a much stronger mind going into it, so we'll see ;-)
So many of you I have met are just like me...real people with real goals. I hope this entry has helped you in some way...thanks for reading!!
--Dee
