Coming Full Circle—
REWARDING & FULLFILLING. Those would be the two words I would use to describe the past year of my life.
For those of you who may need a “catch up” in June 2011 I committed myself to 20 weeks of competition dieting to step outside of my comfort zone and step on stage. Some called it extreme, many didn’t understand it but looking back it has been the best investment I have ever made in myself.
You see, I was a yo-yo dieter, diet pill taker and fad dieter. In high school my senior year I actually did Weight Watchers as well to help prepare myself for college….I thought I would be proactive to not gain the freshmen 15. Well instead I gained the freshman 40 over time. You see I spent my time with girls that were in shape or “skinny” as many would say. I was always bigger than all of them never able to do the clothes swap like they did and always found myself in my closet frustrated to find something to wear. Inside I was unhappy and I believe depressed with the stale life I was in. I was eating out several meals a day, drinking A LOT like most college students do and always very tired. A typical day would be me stopping at Sonic for a breakfast burrito and sonic sunrise drink then for lunch maybe Popeye’s 6 piece strips with mashed potatoes and a biscuit and then finish the day off at Pappasitios by myself eating a loaf of French bread with butter and some massive feast for an entrée and top if off with several cocktails. This combination was not just a special occasion, this was almost daily. The key to these details is not necessarily WHAT I was eating by WHY I was using food to comfort me?
In a way I had associated eating out and having the means to eat out as a sense of success for myself. As a child we didn’t eat out all the time it was always a special treat. As I got older I used food as a reward, like many of us do. I guess I thought if I “rewarded” myself I would feel something. As I was doing this it was getting harder and harder to reign it in. I wasn’t always unhappy with how I looked but I can say that I was always self-conscious. I used a lot of sarcasm and put on a happy face most of the time but inside I was just very empty. I had no value in myself, I did nothing to challenge myself or set expectations for me. I was pushing 170 lbs and it had just gotten out of control. Over those 6 years I would tell myself I would do something about it but was never able to do anything that actually lasted long term.
Finally I did something. I looked at my bank account! LOL!
I calculated within a month I was spending hundreds of dollars on food and alcohol & clothes that I hated to wear. I asked myself so why is it that I can spend money on things that last only a couple hours but can’t spend a couple hundred dollars to hire a professional nutritionist to guide me? I told myself to sit it out for a weekend and then I would have everything I needed to make that first visit with IEM. I remember getting the call May of 2010 that an appointment had opened with Kim…in my head I thought I had more time to “get it” out of my system. Booze it up and eat whatever I wanted….well the appointment came quicker than I thought but boy am I glad it did. I will not lie, it scared the crap out of me. In a lot of ways I didn’t know what I was getting myself into and I had a lot of doubts if I could actually follow through. Well after about a year with Kim I had made huge strides with her. However, I was still yo-yoing in the 20% body fat range and was up for a challenge.
A year ago this week I was meeting with my nutritionist, Kim Porterfield, for my final appointment for measurements and final touches to compete in my first bikini fitness competition. My boyfriend, Michael-David, was all but holding me together with glue and my friends and family were showering me with love and support. I had done it, I had with the guidance of a professional and the support of loved ones, I had somehow accomplished the 1st long term goal and seen it through.
I dieted on a competitor’s diet for 20 weeks. I eliminated alcohol completely….shocking I know but it had been my mask & crutch for a long time. It hid my insecurities, it exposed my insecurities and it also proved to be a huge factor in my weight gain. I choose now not to drink as frequently because my body can’t handle drinking like I used to. If I am also being honest there was a point where I felt like I had a problem with alcohol. There were nights I would drive home and just be so thankful I made it home okay and then there were times I didn’t remember things and would be embarrassed hearing stories. Sure, we have all had our crazy nights out and many chuck it up to “live life to the fullest” and all that which is fine but for me personally it scared me as I was finding myself drinking a lot alone at home too just to be able to sleep sometimes. Stepping away from it for that period of time I didn’t crave it and didn’t see it as something I needed anymore. Each time I declined a drink in a way I was proving that it was more of a habit and that it was okay to be selective and say No sometimes. I like feeling like I have the control to choose whereas before I let my insecurities control that choice.
Over this past year a lot has changed. I view life a lot differently and have a much better appreciation for my life. I remember about 4 years ago sitting down one night with a friend to make a vision board….needless to say I didn’t make one. I didn’t know what my goals were or what I wanted. I helped her make hers and encouraged those big dreams but when I look back I am sad that I didn’t have anything to contribute to my own goals or future plans.
A year ago this week, I could have never imagined that 131 days would have changed my life as much as it did. You DECIDE the path you want to take or the life you want to live.
Thank you,
Diane Forshee
